I have a problem.

My brain is constantly racing and it's running into one new interest after another.

Lately, I thought I wanted to learn about music production. As a studied musicologist with the original intention to become a composer of contemporary classical music, I thought this would be something that would finally help me return back to my roots and scratch my OG itch of music.

Turns out I am a shit composer. Then and now. After downloading the free trail version of Ableton Live 12 and playing around with the software and watching hours of YouTube tutorials, I put some chord progressions and beats together. I had already ordered a fancy midi controller keyboard for £89 as well.

However, the situation I constantly find myself in is chasing a new interest, starting to put some money into it, only to give up as soon as I started. I cannot help myself.

How to make my mind stop racing?

What I am trying to do, I now believe, is to find a hobby. I am looking for an activity that injects meaning into my life. Something in which I can develop skill and craftsmanship, and develop my personality. But for some reason, I have issues producing outcomes that I am satisfied with. May it be picking up drawing, game development, playing the piano, or learning to code, I just can't find something that sticks and that really makes my heart sing.

I cancelled the order for the midi controller. I realised that I should rather use this money for something else.

I keep thinking that without trying, I can't find what would make my heart sing. But I also want to stop chasing an external validation of meaning that I may never encounter in this way.

May the need and longing itself for such an activity be the obstacle?

Why is finding a hobby so difficult?